Christmas After Separation: How Do I Manage This?

Navigating holidays after separation can be tough. This article offers tips on planning, communicating early, and prioritizing children’s well-being to ensure a joyful, stress-free celebration for all.

Navigating Christmas After Separation: How Do I Manage This?

Holidays and family celebrations can develop a new complication when you have two separate families now. 

Major holidays can be complicated for an intact family trying to navigate both sides of the family. It can get exacerbated when you separate.

Each parent wants to spend time with the children with their family for the holiday. It does not matter whether it is Christmas, Passover, Diwali or the Muslim Eid holiday, the holiday time is something tricky that typically brings about some detailed discussions.

Consider both sides of the families. 

We mean the extended families. Your brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, your parents and all those who are typically at your family gatherings. 

Then you make a special provision for the holiday and have that time supersede the regular schedule of time you have as separated parents.

For example, if you parent one week on/off and if you celebrate Christmas, your regular schedule should be suspended for the days of the holiday. As Christmas has 3 days that are often celebrated separately from the regular schedule, those are the days you should address.

It typically does not go well to simply say “let’s follow the regular schedule” and you get the entire holiday. That will likely just breed resentment, and the children lose out of the chance to spend time with the other parent’s family. You may be angry and resentful of the other parent, but the children should not lose the time with their other parent’s family due to that.

Have a conversation with your separated spouse.

Do this well in advance of the holiday. Never assume that what you did last year will apply this year. Communicate with your former spouse well in advance of your desire to set up a special holiday schedule. October is a good time to start Christmas discussions.

Consider each family’s traditions. 

If it’s Christmas, your family may always do their big family get together on Christmas Eve and you will want to have the chance to have the children with you. Perhaps your former spouse has their family gathering on Boxing Day. Whatever the family background is, try to work within it. Remember, this is for the children, so hopefully you can arrange things to allow them to have time with both sides of their family.

Be kind. Your separation should not deprive your children of the love your separated spouse’s family has for them. Listen to what your spouse’s family would prefer. See if you can accommodate. Remember that you may have a need in the future that you will be asking them to accommodate. 

If you end up in the more complicated situation of both families holding their family gatherings at the same time, then look back at how you managed it when you were together as a couple. How did that time get divided historically? Would that make sense now? Often, couples will agree to alternate those events every year such that in all odd numbered years, mom has that event (say Christmas Eve) and then dad has it in all even numbered years.

Christmas has the two-week school break as well, so often we suggest you look at suspending your regular parenting time schedule and see if you could share that time.

Your separate family traditions are important here. You are not living together as one family anymore, but two separate residences for that one family. Your children should continue to benefit from each parent’s extended family and not lose their family connections just because they live between two houses.

If you are in the situation that your families can move around their gathering times, then you are open to discuss a more flexible time schedule with your former spouse. Look at what is important to each of you. 

Perhaps one parent is more religious than the other. Maybe it is a priority for that parent to take the children to church on Christmas Eve for example. Perhaps you discuss a schedule that does not alternate so that the children can participate with that parent. Maybe you celebrate Christmas, and the important time is Christmas morning. This is where we see parents alternating each year. Many parents will alternate the period from Christmas Eve to Christmas Day, mid-day (say noon) and then the other parent has Christmas Day afternoon/night and Boxing Day.

Write down and both sign what you agree upon. 

Verbal discussions are subject to foggy memories. Writing it down and signing it makes it clear to you both.

You will want to have the same discussions if you want to take the kids away from home for a holiday over their Christmas school break. If it involves travel, you again want to raise this well in advance.

The law does not really help you. There is no provision for “what to do for Christmas” in any legislative solution. The only guidance is what is in the best interests of your children. That means it’s individual to who your children are in your specific family circumstances.

Keep your children informed of what the agreement is on the schedule for Christmas, or whatever holiday it happens to be. Kids get stressed around holiday times too. The adults are not doing their normal things on their normal schedules. You do not want to add to their stress by keeping them in the dark about what they are doing.

When it comes to gifts, again we recommend you have an early discussion with your separated spouse on what to expect that you will be buying. Talking about what each of you is doing for gifts will hopefully help you keep a budget in check and not to duplicate items.

Lastly, all major holidays have stress attached to them. If you can reduce your own stress and expectations about the holiday, hopefully you – and therefore the kids- will have a much better time.

If you need help writing out a parenting schedule for the holidays, we can help.